As a mother, an adoptive mother of two young children, I can tell you adoption is one of the most beautiful and life-changing experiences a family can have. It begins with loss, something I didn’t fully understand when I first started my journey. I started my adoption journey with an open heart, but I didn't have a lot of education.
What I’ve learned over time is that trauma affects everyone in the adoption triad: our children (adoptees), first parents (I am not a fan of the term "Birth parents"), and myself and my husband, mommy and daddy (adoptive parents). Acknowledging this doesn’t take away from the joy adoption brings; it simply allows us to better support and love each other through it.
Adoptee Trauma: Understanding Their Loss
Before I arrived at the hospital and held my children in my arms, they experienced a profound loss: the separation from their first mothers. Even as infants, this loss can create a sense of insecurity and disconnection, something experts call the “primal wound.” As they grow, I am preparing for the ways this loss can show up, whether in questions about their identity or moments of big emotions they don’t fully understand. I have spoken to an adoption-competent therapist, and this is their advice:
Ways I Can Support My Children:
Listening Without Judgment: I should let them express their feelings about adoption, no matter how hard it is for me to hear. They are both young now, and adoption is a very happy topic. If that does change, my husband and I will be prepared to listen and help them as best as possible.
Educating Myself: I’ve learned about trauma-informed parenting to meet their needs better.
Providing Stability: We focus on creating a home where our children feel safe, secure, and loved for who they are.
Open Communication: We speak about adoption openly and honestly in our home. Our children have always known they were adopted. It was never a secret.
Our children’s loss is real, but so is the incredible love we share as a family.
First Parent Trauma: A Loss That’s Hard to Grasp
As a mother through adoption, I often think about my children’s first mothers. Their decision to place their children for adoption was made out of love, but it also came with grief, pain, and sacrifice. I can’t imagine the strength it took to make that choice, and I feel a responsibility to honor them in how we raise our children.
What I’ve Learned About Supporting First Parents:
Staying Connected: In open adoption, updates and communication can provide comfort and reassurance. I am blessed with two of the dopest first moms! They are one of the reasons I have always had a positive outlook on adoption.
Showing Compassion: I talk about my children’s first mothers with love and gratitude. I love them more than they will ever know!
Acknowledging Their Pain: I remind myself that my joy exists because of their loss.
Their stories are forever woven into my children’s lives, and I want them to know that it’s okay to love us both. They have two mothers who love them unconditionally.
Adoptive Parent Trauma: The Unexpected Burden
Adoption is a rollercoaster of emotions. Before becoming a mother, I faced many years of "I don't know if this will happen." Even after placement, I’ve wrestled with guilt and the pressure to “get it right.” Balancing the needs of my children and the pain of their first families has been humbling and, at times, overwhelming. It's a feeling I can't seem to shake.
What’s Helped Me Navigate This:
Finding My People: Connecting with other adoptive parents and therapists has been a lifeline.
Cheering Myself On: I am doing a bang-up job! I am a SAHM and an Entrepreneur. Self-care is foreign to me. Sad but true. And that's the case for many mothers. I have to remind myself that I am doing a great job!
Educating Myself: Learning about adoption trauma has helped me become the parent my children need. Never stop learning from professionals and other parents. It's the only way to improve.
Adoption isn’t easy, but it’s worth every challenge.
Healing Through Love and Understanding
Trauma is part of the adoption story, but it doesn’t define it. By acknowledging the hard parts, I’ve been able to show up for my children, honor their first families, and find peace in my role as their mother.
A Positive Reminder: "Adoption begins with loss, but it’s rooted in love. Healing happens when we embrace the whole story."
If you’re on this journey, I invite you to explore my YouTube channel, where I share adoption stories and interviews with birth mothers and adoptees. You can also find resources and personalized support on my website, MK Adoption Services.
Together, we can build a brighter, more understanding future for everyone in the adoption triad. You are not alone, and you should never feel invisible.
With love,
Khandy Bryant
コメント