Private adoption is usually presented as a beautiful journey toward building a family. While it can be, the reality behind the scenes is far more complex and emotionally taxing than most people realize. It was more complicated than I could have ever prepared for. As someone who has adopted twice and experienced six gut-wrenching adoption disruptions, I can speak firsthand to the emotional roller-coaster many hopeful parents face.
Like most people who decide to embark on this journey, I had no idea what was ahead and the devastating and lasting effects the adoption journey would have on many aspects of my life.
Let's talk about it.
Financial challenges:
The dream of growing your family is priceless, but the domestic adoption process comes with a hefty price tag. Families like mine often spend tens of thousands of dollars on agency fees, legal fees, travel, lodging, and other adoption-associated cost. Even worse, there are moments when those investments feel like they've been stolen. I know because I've lived it, investing in multiple potential adoption opportunities and traveling for another disruption. That financial weight isn't just monetary; it seeps into every aspect of your life, adding additional stress to manage.
Wait-time:
Then there's the waiting game, which can feel like an eternity. You present your profile, your perfect photos, beautiful smile, ideal life, describing your hopes and dreams, all encapsulated in a book, and then you wait. Days turn to weeks, weeks turn into months, sometimes years, with little hope. The emotional toll of waiting, the uncertainty of not knowing when or if an expectant mom will choose you, can consume you. Your life feels like it's on pause while the rest of the world moves forward. My two journeys were the polar opposite of each other. The first was faster than lightning speed; the second was long and torturous. When I use the word torturous, I'm putting it lightly.
Adoption Scams:
The hardest part for many is navigating scams and unethical adoption professionals. I was never concerned about being scammed by an expectant mom or birth mom. What I never planned for was unethical adoption professionals. Sadly, not all licensed placement agencies and adoption consultants have your best interests at heart. I learned this the hard way, being deceived by professionals who were more concerned with profit than the well-being of my family, our safety, birth moms and their well-being, their physical and mental health, post-placement care and counseling, or the adoptee, my children. These unethical practices lead to tattered dreams, financial loss, and even worse, they cause harm to the birth mothers and adoptees who are supposed to be at the center of the process.
Stress:
The stress of adoption often spills over into your marriage. My husband, an officer in the United States Marine Corps, spent a lot of time away while working, leaving us feeling more like co-parents than like a married couple. I was solely making adoption journey decisions and dealing with disappointments alone, and that made me extremely angry and overwhelmed. I took it personally with every disruption because I was navigating things independently. He was managing all the financial stress of this entire process, in addition to our household finances, working what felt like 24/7 away from home, which left him frustrated, angry, and very stressed. We were in a tough spot. The toll on your relationship is real and is one of the hardest things to manage. The good thing is I got married to stay married, and I knew this would be no walk in the park. With a lot of time, work, and patience, we are in a good place now!
Loneliness:
I was so lonely. No one, my husband, family, or friends understood what I was going through; how could they? My friends were there for me as best as they could. They were encouraging, listened when I cried, donated to our fundraisers, prayed for us, and shared our social media posts. But had any of them ever been through any of what I was experiencing? No. None of them have adopted, none of them had fertility issues, none of them had husbands who didn't reside in their dwelling, none of them are military spouses, and they all had biological children. They couldn't possibly understand why I was a walking emotional wreck.
Grief:
There's the grief. The grief of the life you envisioned. The marriage you envisioned. The family you envisioned. Each disruption felt like a knife stab. It's not just a disruption in the process; it's the death of a dream, the loss of time, the unanswered questions, the self-doubt, and the "will this ever happen?". The emotional weight of grief without death is hard to describe, and few understand the depth of grief that comes with losing yourself in the process of trying to grow your family. I was grieving the old me, the happy me. I was lost and confused.
But here's what no one told me:
Through every loss, hardship, and heartbreak, you become stronger. The resilience you build through this emotional roller-coaster gives you the strength to move forward, find hope in the face of uncertainty, and open your heart to the possibility of a mother and her child finding their way to your family.
This miracle called adoption usually happens when you least expect it.
The emotional distress of my second adoption journey was daunting. The adoption process and the unethical practices had gotten the best of me. I just stopped. I had to. Although abrupt, my decision was very intentional. I needed to pause for myself, my mental health, my marriage, and my daughter. I needed to be present. All of the grief, loss, pain, and heartache consumed me, and I needed to refocus on what was important: my family.
I am a dreamer! I believe you can speak things into existence, and I believe in the power of positivity! Less than two months after taking time to refocus on my family, I received the call: my son was born, and just like that, none of the other stuff mattered.
Never lose hope!
I took every tear and every experience and vowed to make a difference. I never wanted any other family to endure what we had to endure. That was the birth of MK Adoption Services. I frequently say, "I wish I had a Khandy during my adoption journey." I walked through the flames, endured the heartbreak, and learned the lessons so my MKAS families don't have to. It's my honor and privilege to do what I do every day. I'm helping families grow without fear, neglect, or turmoil.
When you know better, you do better!
If my story resonates with you, know that you're not alone.
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I'd be honored to serve as your advocate and walk alongside you through this complex and deeply personal journey. You deserve better; I know I did.
Be Kind,
Khandy Bryant
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